I don't want to be structured for a moment, so I will write whatever thoughts come to mind. It's more than likely I'll not string sentences in a way that makes sense, but I know it will feel good once it's all out.

Making out with someone I've written letters to and swooned over for the last few months was the warm hug I needed. It wasn't only sexual, which it never seems to be with me. It was incredible and lovely and wow. Oh, oh my.

Maybe I should not need to have some kind of emotional connection with a person I find attractive to do anything sexual with them. Emotional connections are like a drug to me. I think it's because I didn't have strong ones as a child, and so now that I can do so as an adult, it's one of the things I think a lot about at night. I like feeling comfortable. Emotions bring me comfort. I can't give you what you want if I'm not getting something in return. Having an orgasm isn't what I want necessarily, though having it put down on me isn't something I'm not opposed to.

Wanting to be thought about and longed after is fine and well until I think about why I want those things. I need a distraction from the real world. I can hardly handle my life at most moments. I put out lots of fires, but I also create most of them myself. Thinking about romance or love or affection are great temporary escapes. Why do I have such a hard time staying present?

Because there are many parts to me, there's a side of me that says I don't want any type of emotional relationship with someone new because I know how messy I am. I know I have this thing where I try and sink my hooks into people. I think so lowly of myself sometimes like I'm the villain in everyone's story. It's ok to want to be loved!!!! It's ok to be afraid of wanting that when you've been burned!!!!

Love isn't scary to me. I don't know why it is for so many. Love is relatively easy; it's just communicating. Ugh. I'm a mess. I need to get it together. What it is I need to get together is still being figured out.

Can someone wake me when it's all over?

i’m so good at deceit

that a lot of times

i forget i’m doing it to myself

***

i don’t believe people when

they tell me i can do

anything

i know that isn’t true because

there isn’t proof that shows me otherwise

***

i want to lay next to you

feel the softness of your hands

smooth my jagged edges

i’m so good at changing for others

you can’t be the exception

***