Monday was a difficult day, but I got through it. Tuesday, yesterday, an impulsive part of me came out due to keeping it all together on Monday. I didn't do anything wrong, per se. I took the day off work and wasn't productive in the least. I wasn't society's version of productivity, but I'll admit I felt I got a lot accomplished emotionally.

In a "marriage settlement" proposal I got from my ex's attorney earlier this week, one of the things written was, "Each party to be awarded the personal property (furniture, furnishings, personal belongings) in her possession," and I sat with that for some time.

During the last seven months, I lived with my ex's clothes under my bed and in my closet. I often thought about whether or not I should donate them and when the "right time" would be for that; if she would ever come back to get them? Some of these pieces have sentimental value. She hadn't stepped foot in what was once our but now only my space in a long time. I didn't hold onto her clothes in hopes of her coming back; I knew she wasn't going to. Her clothes took up actual space in my life, giving me another reason to keep her in my mind. How can she begin to be out of mind when her things are still in my sight?

I kept the monster under my bed and boogeyman in my closet because they were familiar to me. Being familiar is not synonymous with healthy or good. I was knowingly hurting myself for reasons I didn't understand. I think it goes back to the point I made about familiar things. I take comfort in them. I think it's human nature to gravitate to what we're comfortable with. I need to remember I'm very good at sitting with uncomfortable things. I may not necessarily like it, but I'm good at it. Not many can say the same. I used to be avoidant too until I couldn't anymore.

That doesn't mean I don't try.

it felt good

purging you

from my soul