Six Fifty-Seven

I took down a majority of the photos in my bedroom that were taped onto my wall. What once was a kind of cluttered space is now blank and free. I want to feel this way on the inside - blank and free.

There's always something jumbling about in my mind to the point where sometimes I find myself putting in headphones while walking to the train, only not to play music because I'm lost in thought. I have headphones in now with nothing playing because I'm listening to myself talk as I write. No words are coming out of my mouth, but with each word that forms, I can hear myself say it.

I wonder if that's what it means to be a writer? To be able to take your thoughts, write them down, and feel like you can hear yourself in the silence. As comfortable as I can appear with my thoughts, I struggle with letting them overwhelm me. I forget that I have the control to stop them, even when I don't feel like I do.

My mind, lately, has been wrapped up in moments where I've felt the most physically - and that's while entangled in another person. Sex can be a fantastic mindfulness tool if you think about it. Good sex should be something that I'm present for, and while it's been some months since I've been wonderfully mindful, my mind is doing this thing where it doesn't want to lose those memories, so it continues to replay them.

I've gotten myself off so often lately at the thought of past relations, and I just...I miss being touched and kissed and fucked.

What's the saying? Good things come for those who wait? I hope so. She looks so good when she does.

please don’t stop, i need this

i need your body the same way you need mine

and that’s fine

let’s use each other,

only be lovers

this way no one gets hurt

if you want to feel pain

tell me, and i’ll take you there