Focusing on writing this morning is like trying to find a song in a jukebox while on a first date. I feel in my head about it, a pressure to make the right choice and something that fits the vibe I'm trying to create.

I think better in analogies and similes than I do in real terms and wonder why that is. I've always been an escapist. When sharing parts of my story with others, I'm often met with, "that must have been so hard to go through as a child," and if I were them, I'd probably have a similar thought. Going through what I did never seemed too painful because, as children, we are taught to accept the realities in which we live - not to question them. After a while, trauma and chaos are equal to normal.

Even though I knew that not having a mother or father around wasn't normal, thanks to interactions with schoolmates, I still had to accept my parents' absence and continue my life.

To survive, I was often absent mentally, lost in my mind's thoughts and imaginations. I still allow myself to drift away when I'm uncomfortable to the point of wanting to dissociate (because that's what I'm doing), and I know I need to work harder at staying present. I'm better at it now than I was before, though. I know that for sure because I feel a much more comprehensive range of emotions - anger being one of them.

When I escape from the present, I often live within a mixture of a recreation of some memory and possible endings if that memory had been acted out differently.

I find it interesting that I rarely ever get lost in daydreams of the future.

i want to temporarily vanish

from the minds and lives of many

i’ve never been able to perform that feat

the closest i’ve come to doing that

is burning bridges

but that takes too much time,

energy, and heat

than i’m willing to give

vanishing sounds effortless

and quick