Secure the Bag, Sis
I’ve secured the bag and did what I said I needed to do. It doesn’t seem real, but I know I should be proud. I wonder how I would feel if I didn’t have such high expectations of myself. I feel good in accepting the job offer I did yesterday, but there’s this voice that’s telling me, “this is where you shouldve been at years ago.” I’m trying to keep it quiet.
There’s truth in what I feel, though. I’ll be making a little more than I did at the job I lost right before the pandemic and while I know so many lives were upended (many ended) I can’t seem to give myself the grace I give others. I’m still so mean to myself, or at very least, unkind.
When sharing the news with the folks that I did, I was told, “I knew you could do it!” and that unkind part of me thought, “but what if I couldn’t do it? What if I didn’t accomplish what I had? Would you still be as supportive?” Logic tells me yes, of course they would. I don’t share good news (or bad news) with people who don’t support me; that wouldn’t seem beneficial.
To get out of my head, I decided to take a longer lunch and walk a bit before coming to write what’s on my mind. I set myself up to walk to a bus stop that would take me straight to the coffee shop I’ve been coming to the last few weeks. A dear friend of mine sent me a starbucks giftcard as a congrats on getting the job, and it brought the biggest smile to my face, seeing it come through my texts. Not having to pay for coffee is always a beautiful intangible. Thankful for them.
While on the bus, I saw some names scribbled onto the partition in black permanent marker with a heart. It made me think of the time an ex of mine scribbled our initials into the hardwood table of a Starbucks near the Wisconsin border. ELS + JK = 4EVR. It was summer, I remember we were hungover from the night before but wanting to adventure. 2017. So long ago, but also feels like yesterday. The coffee shop I’m in right now has markings carved into the tabletop, but I can’t make out what is written.
I might head out of town for a few days before I start my new job, but it’s possible those plans don’t work out and I stay right here in the city. I’m pretty broke and can’t afford a $300 round trip flight anyway.
I wonder if I’ll take more trips now that I’ll be making more money. There are so many debts I have to pay off, I shouldn’t be thinking about going anywhere but work. I can’t live my life that way though, no matter how much money I make. Living to work isn’t a mindset I’ll ever want to adapt to. Another friend of mine told me with each job she’s gotten, and the more money she’s earned, she still has the mindset that she doesn’t make as much as she does, to avoid spending beyond her means or not saving in the ways that she feels she should. The one sentence that stuck out to me was, “Whenever I give you advice, it’s never to tell you what to do, it’s only because I see similarities in situations you find yourself in compared to ones I’ve found myself in, and I want to help if I can.”