I keep having dreams that take place on train cars. I see people I know but don't say anything to them, or sometimes they come up to me and act as if we're still in each others' lives. The people I see in my dreams are almost always people I've burned bridges with. It's a bit of a mind fuck when I think about it immediately after waking because, for the first third of a second that my eyes are open, I imagine that what I dreamt was real.

I saw my hairdresser yesterday for the first time in a year and a half. She did my hair and my ex's hair the morning of our wedding in 2019. I've gone to her for years before that. We'd built up a report, so our catching up was loaded with bombs and new developments in each of our lives. I hated sitting in a chair for hours while getting my hair done and dreading the conversational aspect of it all. That was before I met D; her vibe always seems to blend well with mine. She did what she always does in blowing me away by cutting my hair in a way that I forgot it could look.

I left feeling a little more like myself. A version of myself who is a mixture of the person I was before I entered the arena of romantic relationships and the person who's what through some shit and seen even more.

I hoped the people who see me in my dreams wouldn't recognize me, but that wasn't the case last night. In my dream, my ex boarded the Western stop and sat right next to me.

"Hi Jenny," she said, "when are you going to respond to my attorney's email?"

I opened my eyes, slightly panicked. One-third of a second later, I knew it wasn't real. I do need to respond to her lawyer, though. It's been a week

i just want to sleep

and have control

of what goes on

in my mind