Meeting with my friend Tina last Friday went better than I anticipated. Unlike what my anxieties were trying to tell me, we still had things in common outside of the work industry that brought us together. She was a little later to arrive than me, who ended up walking to the bar as opposed to taking the bus like I planned. The walking was good for me though; it was as if I walked off any thought that the evening wouldn’t be smooth. It’s because of that walk, the cocktail I had before she arrived, and our genuine fondness for each other that those few hours went by as quickly as they did. I’m grateful to know we’re still in each other’s orbits. Tina’s friendship is so major for me because she’s one of the few (if not the only, now that I think about it) people outside of my family that was in my life in the Before Times (aka before the breakup.) I am SO good at beginning again, starting over. I look back at my life and see all of the people I feel like I had some kind of meaningful relationship with at some point, and there aren’t many still around all this time later. Mainly just my siblings, and one friendship that wasn’t consistent because I withdrew from it after meeting Bette. I don’t like that trait of mine - inconsistency. I guess I can spin it and think of it as constant growth. I just hope others can keep up. It’s a marathon with me, not a sprint.

I enjoy being alone most times, but the loneliness lately has been eating away at me. I’m doing it to myself and am not sure how to stop. Writing feels good in that it’s the most unguarded I allow myself to be. When I write these entries, I feel like I’m talking to myself but also to You. Like we’re old friends, sitting in my room with my legs on your lap. You know me from the things I dream about, the reflections I have, and all that falls between. A blending of what has happened and what could be. Somehow painfully and painlessly present. I love that for us, but I don’t always exist in this reality. There’s the physical world for me to navigate, which is unpredictable and my being hyper-aware doesn’t help. I know I have issues with control and this is a perfect example of that: being sensitive to the Real World because I can’t control what goes on. My imaginary therapist would say something like, “but you know what you can control?” and I’m rolling my eyes at my reply of, “my reaction.” This is going to be really low-vibe, but I’m not judging my honesty: I’m tired of having to control myself. Why should I be the one to hold myself back when so many don’t? It’s so fucking annoying sometimes, but I guess that can be said for many things. Again, low-vibe.

I’m on my last few dollars before getting paid next Wednesday, but I know I can make it work. The one thing I’m thinking about how to navigate is getting a paper check as opposed to direct deposit since this is the last check from my employer, and that’s how they do things. I’m unsure of when my first check will come from my new job, but that always seems to take forever: the first check. I need to pay rent on the 1st, and continue to pay down my several hundred dollar, past-due gas bill. Electric is also due and that price was a kick in the dick I wasn’t expecting. My fridge stays empty because there’s no money for perishable food; lots and lots of ramen in the cabinet. I don’t smoke vape carts anymore (THC, not nicotine) and haven’t for awhile, which has cut my weed spending down drastically. Also smoking considerably less because weed is expensive. I rarely drink, and spend a lot of time at home. I will be fine, but making more will be lovely. The job I had before this one, I made $16 an hour, and worked part-time for 80% of the time I worked there. I have no fucking idea how I did that. Wait, yes! The stimulus money helped, and I also let my gas bill climb to $1000. Sigh. We live and we learn. I’m still living which means I’m still learning.

One more thing about writing before I have to get ready for the day. Because I’ve been tight on cash, I haven’t been able to bring my laptop to places with WIFI to write on my lunch like I had been lately. I tried using my phone as a hotspot, but this thing is like ancient and I’m eligible for an upgrade, but fuck the idea of paying anymore than I already am (it’s not a lot, just broke, remember? Ha.) Even though I haven’t written at length in a few days, I’ve still written something each day in the little poems I’ve been writing each day since the first day of this year. I’ve begun to write captions on the posts I make, which have been ways of speaking to You in a shorter way. It’s been so nice.