I keep my headphones in a lot even when there’s nothing playing from them. I do it for two reasons.

The first is safety. I feel my chest tighten when I feel unsafe. It’s usually while I’m walking or am on the bus or train. I keep the white cords connected from my phone into my ears but always mute the sound. I don’t want the folks I fear thinking I can hear them. I want them to think I’m unassuming. I’m not sure if everyone does this or how often they do it.

My girlfriend gave me pepper spray. And then another because mine was taken at a club. I’ve never used it. Never needed a reason to until last Saturday. It’s odd, though. I never thought about it in my bag. I just kept thinking about the words he said to me.

“Look at me.”

“I’m talking to you.”

“I know you can hear me.”

“I’m going to fill you up.”

“I’m going to find you. I’m going to find you. I’m going to find you and fill you up.”

He didn’t get off the bus. At the same stop as me. I felt everything and nothing at once. A seizure followed the morning after. My mind knew I was safe, but my body took more convincing. I made the mistake of sleeping with my partner that night. I should’ve thought through how it would mentally impact me days to come. They don’t know that. I didn’t know that I would feel this way - this need to be distant. This isn’t a bad thing. I feel open and free feeling this way. I feel like I want to take up all the space within me rather than look for other to fill the vacancies.

I also wear my headphones when I’ve got too many thoughts in my head. It’s as if the side conversations or passing memories and other mind matter are far less overwhelming when I’ve got my headphones in with no sound playing. The last few entries I’ve written have been done by typing notes into my phone. I keep my headphones in while typing away, content with the sound of my thoughts.

Is this what falling in love with yourself looks like?

How lovely.