I like having my hands held and fingers touched. I want soft moments, you know? It’s getting colder and I’m trying my best to keep myself warm and comforted. I want to honor my longing, though I know that’s a fine line for me to walk as I can be intense. It’s a word that’s been used to describe me more times than not, particularly by romantic partners. Not everyone wants that.

I love depth. I was born into chaos and after years of therapy, I know I was prone to finding comfort in it. I know I now substitute chaos for this….almost unachievable kind of knowing and understanding of another person and them of me. I’m trying to break out of that mindset and while I think I’ve done a solid job over the course of the last year, I still have slip-ups.

What does a slip-up look like? What does that even mean? Does it mean having feelings? Does it mean expressing those feelings? I think I might be a little hard on myself, or strict, but I also don’t want to be hurt. I guess that could also be read as not wanting to feel the pain or discomfort. I know I can be avoidant.

Speaking of, sometimes I think my writing can be avoidant, too. Like, I think it’s because I don’t know who’s reading these words that I subconsciously withhold feelings that need to be written but don’t make it to the surface, because I’m unsure of what the reaction will be.

I think it’s important to note that no one has ever come up to me about my writing lol, not about this blog anyway.

So, in an effort to be so grossly raw and deep this is going to be my attempt at that. I think it’s smart to try and be this way with myself first in a consistent way before looking for it in others.

Maybe if I masturbated more, I wouldn’t want to be held as much. Not that cumming is the equivalent of being the little spoon, but I can usually fall asleep quicker after having ridden my vibrator. It’s hard to want to be held when asleep. I know I dream, but because I smoke so much I rarely remember them. I think it’s better this way because there have been times when my dreams have only ever exacerbated my desire to be engulfed in another person.

Behaviors can change with consistent action. If every time I wanted closeness from someone, I simply got myself off, I wouldn’t care to have romantic companionship at all. I want to stop myself from wanting this because I don’t want to seem weaker for desiring someone or wanting to be desired. I realize how mean that sounds - no one is weak for wanting love, I just feel weak because I had a tendency to change so much of myself to please others without them even asking. I know I should trust myself because it’s literally been years, but I’m still weary.

I had a moment recently where I realized I wasn’t on the page with someone I really, really like. It’s not that she isn’t into me too, it’s just…It’s timing. This isn’t to say I won’t still want to see her, I just need to pull back and follow her lead should she ever choose to. There’s no pressure for her to, either. We were able to have a conversation about what we each wanted. It was difficult but necessary. I didn’t want to feel the disappointment that made a home inside my chest as the realization come through in texts sent back and forth last week, but I couldn’t help but cry for a few moments. After that, I ran a few miles and felt my heartbeat in every part of my body. It felt good to hurt in this way. It was a reminder of how much of a human being I am.

I missed last week’s post because I was very much so in the throws of Mercury being retrograde. I know I was born during one, and with that, it almost feels like riding a bike after a long time of not; there’s uncertainty, but I’ve done it before. I still fell off that bike though. It happens. I needed to take time to tend to my wounds and just like, sit with myself.

I want to be more unedited like I was here. I probably won’t read this through until a week from now, so with regards to grammatical errors, my sincere apologies.

Until next time.