Today my mind is filled to the brim with whizzing thoughts, it’s a little difficult to decide which one to take and explore further. I’m in the process of creating new meanings to old themes in my life but like most things, change is hard as hell. I once held the thought that since I am forever changing as a person, and have gone through rather abrupt changes throughout my life that I would somehow feel a little more at ease or comforted in being in this transitionary stage. Not the case at all. Instead, I find that my poor habits just amend themselves to fit the current narrative.

I’m doing it now - one of those poor habits. I’m ripping myself apart, allowing my inner critic to write up the worst review of me as if that’s all I am. I am not bad, I’m pretty good. I am sweet and caring, a little too much sometimes. When I feel hurt or scared, I become cold and distant. I am multifaceted. There are many versions of me depending on the situation and before, I thought I was simply putting on a show to the specifics of my company’s comfort. How exhausting that is.

I’m not sure if this is a good trait or a poor one, but I’ve had a familiar realization that I had years ago before completely changing the course of my life. I was 22 and decided that I was too dependent on the love or desired attention from partners or friends to feel comfortable in beginning a new relationship. For a few months, I was mean to my body. I exhausted myself each night because I’d rather be tired and saving up cash than pining over people who I wasn’t emotionally ready to explore in any way other than platonically. By exhausting myself, I mean that I worked a day job in an office from 9 am-5 pm each day, then worked overnight for a few hours as a freight truck loader for UPS. Oh, I was also in school trying to complete an Associates' Degree. Still haven’t gotten that. One day.

I’m finding myself in a similar situation years later. I feel too dependent on what others can give to me emotionally to feel confident in my capacity at loving myself. I signed up for Door Dash last night. I don’t have a car, but I do have a bike that I plan on getting something out of other than peace (I ride my bike around the city as a form of self-care.) If I make five deliveries before Sunday night, I get a bonus of $200, and wouldn’t that be swell.

I suppose a difference between me at 22 versus me at 26 is that I’m not just doing this added work to fill my time, I’m doing it because I kind of sort of have to at this point. I want to buy a car and will be moving in just over a month. I still don’t know where I’m going to go. I haven’t been able to afford the application fees to begin applying for places. I’ll do that with the money I earn this weekend.

Things will get better. I know they will. I can do this. I know I can.