There's something about wanting attention that conflicts with my need for self-preservation and creates an imbalance when not handled with intention. It's easy to be sloppy and selfish, though maybe not for me because that's not who I am as a person. I think I have a lot to learn about how I love and why I love. Attention and love aren't synonymous, but I think they can bleed into one another, depending.

The other day I wrote about feeling that my trust was broken when a past partner kissed someone else in front of me while we were dating monogamously. The last thing I thought I would be doing is dating someone while being open to seeing others. I never thought I would be willing or open to trusting or communicating in the ways required to navigate consensual non-monogamy, but here I am, doing it. I'm trying to, anyway.

The thought of remaining to any one person isn't ideal either, though I don't want to admit that it might play a factor in why I'm okay with creating this kind of trust with people I don't know as well as I knew my ex. I wish I didn't have her as this rain cloud over the way I deal with dating. However, I have to stop comparing that structure to the new ones I'm creating because they're vastly different.

Also, emotions aside, I've not had sex this hot and frequent in all my years of living. I've never felt this fucking good and desired. I don't want to limit what I have to one person. Why would I want to do that to myself?

(I don't.)

moving out means moving on
and it makes me happy
to be one step closer

i talk to myself a lot about having
one foot out the door

but what about the other?
let’s talk about the other

that’s the foot with the shoe that
dropped

the anchor that sunk me into
a part of myself i
didn’t know existed

but i love her
i love me
i’m afraid that when

i’ve moved out
and moved on

that i won’t be as patient
with her
with me

this is the longest place i’ve lived
felt
existed

i don’t know where i’m going
and i’m scared
i’m so fucking afraid

but i know i’ll be okay
peace exists within me

somewhere
in silence

listen to my
silence