This is so much harder than I thought it was going to be.

Steps I’ve taken so far:

Make an ounce last more than a month.
No buying more once I’ve run out.
Stop bringing weed when going out.
Not accepting when offered.
Letting people know I am taking a break.

Last night I washed my bong and cleaned out my drug cabinet - another step taken, something that makes me feel like I’m actually doing something about breaking the habit. A drug cabinet sounds so much more intense than what it is, but I guess to the average non-smoker, it likely seems excessive. I still have weed. It’s shake, not actual flower, and I don’t know if I’ll break it out in case of an emergency. I don’t know how to define an emergency anymore, though. I’ve gotten so lax in my judgment. Not a criticism, but an observation.

I thought I was headed for an emergent moment around 3 a.m. after waking up in a cold sweat. Looking at my phone, I saw no notifications. I don’t know what I was hoping to see. I guess anything to distract me from myself.

I felt like I was falling. A more descriptive way of explaining it would be comparing it to the drop on a rollercoaster but actively choosing to ignore there’s a safety bar stopping me from falling to my death. Every feeling is so loud and demands to be heard. It’s not just an internal feeling for me. I can hear the voice in my head giving those feelings words to use. Much like a duck on water, you can’t see the thrashing of my feet to keep me afloat.

Cannabis was the calm that kept me looking content or rather checked out. Taking it away from myself is like restarting my being without autopilot being turned on. No more cruise control, at least not for a while.

When I’d tell folks of my wanting to stop, I was surprised at the lack of support I received from some. It was subtle, their lack of faith. It makes me wonder how I am perceived. Do people want to be around me when I’m sober? Will they enjoy me less now that I’m more present and not as chill or relaxed as I’m used to seeming? I don’t know, man.

The less healed part of me is saying who cares? Leave them and your former self behind and start fresh. Run from it all. Now would be the time.

***

I broke up with my partner a few weeks ago. In that moment, it felt random, but as time passes, I can’t continue to shield myself by entertaining that delusion. I don’t want to get into it here, but I will say that not smoking during this transition is helping me see myself for who I am: a user, a coward, and insecure.

I told a friend the other day that I might be using this break from smoking as a way to not to have to deal with the hurt I caused in the breakup, or the other feelings that go along with it. She validated my feelings but was also sure to say that doing this for myself could help me think more clearly about relationships and what I’m looking for. One can hope.

It’s been 14 hours since my last smoke. Until next time.