The first time I watched my favorite movie, I was ten years old. I sat on the family room carpet in the back of my family's rental in the spring of 2004. The back door was open, and I could smell spring outside. I remember being the only one of my siblings left watching the film with Dominic, Mom's boyfriend, when it finished. It was Easter Sunday, and for whatever reason, a local cable channel was playing it. After dinner and on full bellies, Dominic told my siblings and me to sit down and watch this movie. "It's really good," he said. It was.

Forest Gump is my all-time favorite movie. I've watched probably a hundred times at this point, which is saying a lot considering I didn't watch movies often. There's something about many aspects of it that spoke to me as a child and still do now as an adult. The first time watching it, I was overwhelmed but also fascinated by the timeline of everything. I had a somewhat fractured education with all of the moving around I did. Seeing and learning about so many events in the modern history of the United States after living with a fundamental Baptist cult goer (Gayle) who starved and abused me was a lot to process.

I lived with Dominic for a few years more before Mom lost custody of my siblings and me as I entered my freshman year of high school. Before life with Mom fell apart for good in living with her, I watched that movie with her boyfriend maybe a dozen or so times. Probably more, I enjoyed it, and TNT played it so much.

I desperately wanted a dad; I feel gross admitting to it. There used to be a joke amongst my siblings and me that I sucked up to Mom's boyfriend, and I guess I kind of did if you think about it objectively in that I did things like watch NASCAR races with him on Sundays in the summer (I know. There was more to it than that, though. Even though he drank too much, never could hold down a job, and was the reason Mom abandoned my siblings and me with Gayle, he was the most consistent and non-violent man in my life. It's a low bar, but what can I say?

There's a line in the film that resonates with me today. Jenny and Forest are sitting in a cornfield outside of Jenny's home. They're kneeling together as Jenny prays, "Dear God, make me a bird so that I can fly far, far away from here." She repeats it so many times, and I find myself wishing the same more days than not.

She was a victim of sexual assault, and I am too. I couldn't process that, then. Thinking about it now makes me weep.

dear you

make me a god

so that i may live now

and forever

drink my soul

and you’ll not grow old

until you’re ready

to move on without me