Yesterday was the first “real” therapy session in nearly two years now. It’s so interesting how quickly time can pass, especially when thinking about the past.

Though it was technically the second session I had with Del, it felt like the first. Last week during the beginning of our meeting, I was still unsure whether or not I’d have to schedule a booking with someone else like I’d had to after seeing the two therapists in the weeks prior. I’d never tried meeting with a few therapists in a concentrated time before choosing one, as opposed to seeing one and going with them for the sake of having one. I have control over who I want to speak with about my mental health and the goals surrounding it. I’m glad to say that it was within the first few minutes of talking with her that I felt the discomfort and tension lessen ever so slightly. I hadn’t let my shoulders drop with the first two therapists I’d seen, but it was different with Del. Simply put, I think we vibe. I look forward to being able to work on the goals I’ve laid out while working on healing past hurts with the guidance of someone who can help keep me aware of drifting from one extreme to the other. Stay tuned for more on that one, friends.

I think I’ve seen seven therapists over the last five years and the longest time spent with one was eight months. It reminds me of moving around a lot during childhood in that I haven’t been able to stick around long enough to build a proper foundation. Having a therapist is another goal I’ve been able to check off this year, and it’s brilliant because it’s only April.

Another goal has been getting a job that’s completely remote. I’m a little over a month into this new gig and it’s truly one of the best things that I’ve achieved in quite some time. I almost wanted to say “the best thing that’s happened to me” and while I may not have sought it out (a recruiter contacted me) I’ll be damned if anyone says I didn’t work for it. I’ve never taken part in such an extensive interview process. I achieved the fuck out of it, and I’m still in the thick of it in terms of working hard to do good things at work. It’s only been a month, but in that month, I’ve yet to feel like I can’t accomplish a task well the first time. I love praise, it motivates me. I love that I actually give a fuck about what I do. I love that I did this without a college degree because I used to think that a piece of paper determined whether or not I was worthy of making a living wage. I don’t hold that view for anyone else. I’m unkind to myself a lot of the time.

What I’m trying to say is that I’m proud of myself. Two years ago today, I didn’t have a job. I got fired from the job I had before the pandemic hit the states and was taken to a dark place because of it. The pandemic didn’t help, obviously. The contrast between then and now is astounding.

The third and final goal has been the blossoming of friendships and community building. It seems that seeds planted deep into the ground over the fall and winter are beginning to sprout and pop. Chicago had the first taste of summer over the weekend with temperatures reaching in the mid-80s. I wore linen pants and this teal/royal blue/purple patterned top that was giving late 90s. All thrifted, because I’m lucky to have an eye for what I want, and what I want seems to have an eye for me too. Queer folks’ styles come in a wide variety, and it’s one of my favorite parts of being a lesbian (spoken like a true Libran, aesthetic overall.)

It was on this gorgeous day that I realized I was a part of something - a group of folks who meet together from time to time and share similar interests. It may seem simple and perhaps it is, but that’s what makes it so beautiful. Amongst us are a lot of artists, many writers, all genuinely creative and beautiful souls. What’s even more exciting is that those of us who partook in the first unofficial hang of the Outdoor Hang season aren’t the only ones who could’ve been there. Like, there are more of us and that’s brilliant to think about.

I’ve run out of time for now and I need you to know my heart is so full.

I miss you, but we’ll talk soon. I promise.