I think it’s best for me to write like no one is reading my words, it’s how I can stop myself from subconsciously being performative in what I’m saying. I don’t even have examples of how I’ve done this in the past, or if I’ve done it at all, but the thought crosses my mind whenever I try to write anything lately.

If there’s any kind of theme I pull from all of my public work, it’s that my best stuff is written from heightened emotional places. I think it’s harder for me to get out of my own head anytime I’m not trying to outrun my thoughts. Words come out better when there are so many crammed in my mind, it’s like the overflow is what matters most. Think of a muffin, the best part is always the top, overflowing what can’t be contained within the base’s structure.

Life has been moving at a pace that is steady, quick and strong. It sort of feels like I’m caught in the current, allowing the universe to take me where it wants me to go. There’s power in letting go regardless of how scary it can seem. I try to remind myself to breathe from my stomach rather than my chest. Doing that helps me feel more and grounds me.

Allowing myself the space to drift as opposed to hastily get through life has met me with slowness in a way that finds me after the experience has come and gone. I find myself sitting among such recent sweetness and even though time doesn’t actually stop, the magic of my mind gives me that illusion in the replaying of these moments.

Not too long ago, I wrote about meeting someone in a bar. We’ve seen each other more times than I can count since then, and it’s been an interestingly intense slow burn. We haven’t actually slept together yet, not in the way that involves complete exposure and slowness, the kind I’m longing for., the kind I think we both might be waiting for. The first few times we got together, we toed the line of fucking, but it has not gotten to that point. She told me that her friend referred to what we’ve been doing as “heavy petting,” she wasn’t a fan of the phrase, but it made me laugh when she told me. I like that she talks to her friends about me.

I’m mildly surprised at myself for holding out this long and if anything, a little nervous about what it could mean. She doesn’t make me nervous, it’s me getting into my own head that does it. I’m not beating myself up about what similarities I see now compared to the beginning of my last long-term relationship six years ago. I can’t, what good would that do me? It’s not fair to her or myself. While there are a few things to compare, there are so many more traits that contrast with the relationship with my ex-wife. I don’t want to say that woman I met last month and I are going to end up in a relationship, be long-term or serious because in all the times we’ve seen each other so far, it’s still early days. We’re only just now going on our first date tonight, she’s taking me out for sushi. I’m very excited to see her. I’m breathing from my stomach.

With the newness of this dynamic in my life, I’m even more grateful for my friends than I was before. They truly anchor me and help me remain balanced. Not that I think that I would allow myself to repeat past mistakes, or that she would allow things to progress too quickly, but having a community that I love so deeply and that loves me in return satisfies a kind of love that I’m no longer searching for because I’m immersed in it.

My friends validate me and see me for who I am without the cloudiness of wanting anything from me other than my friendship. That’s not to say I don’t love romantic love, I just am not the best at being consistent with it. That’s not true, I’m actually very consistent, but I can no longer think that romantic love is the only one that matters, or that it matters more than loving myself or others around me in different ways.

Needless to say, my life is so full. I’m not afraid of the fullness sinking me, because I am no longer in the water. The flooding has subsided and the air is evaporating from the warmth that hangs above. I’m floating along with it. I’m breathing from my stomach.

Until next time.