Four

Time offline is always good for my brain and being. I usually take a few days off every couple of months and last week was another one of those times. There’s a scene in Spongebob Squarepants - more of an image, really - of Spongebob’s brain snapped in half and that’s the best description of how my brain gets from time to time. I just can’t do anything other than focus on what I absolutely need to do to survive. I took last Monday off of work because of an episode that occurred in the morning. I hadn’t had one in a really long time but was able to recognize my need to rest after it happened. I didn’t leave my apartment until Thursday for a walk with Taeya after work and then again on Saturday. I was able to see family on Saturday morning and felt recharged enough to reach out to my friend MK and see if they were free to hang out. The night ended up being more than just MK and I, but it was still very small and lowkey, which is what I needed.

Two

I feel guilty for wanting more even though I now know what I do. I’ve been on the other side of this situation and am so familiar with the particular kind of pain that only betrayal can make you feel. It doesn’t fade away completely, a slight stain will always remain in the back of my mind, but I’ve gotten used to it now. I can only speak for myself, though.

Five

I’ll be in the suburbs tomorrow through Saturday watching my sister’s home and dogs while her and her family are away on vacation. It’ll be good to get out of the city and be by myself for a few days, though my god will I miss my cats and bed. Still, if I had to be away from home, I think I’d rather be alone. I’ll also have access to forest preserves which will do so many good things for my soul. I’ve stayed there a few times this year on my own and it’s always done me well.

One

There’s a common thing that’s said to me about me from people who’ve shown romantic or sexual interest in me, and that is that my energy is calm. I always find it a little funny, because the inside of me often doesn’t match the outside unless I’m with another person. I think that might mean I’m masking nearly always unless I’m alone. Maybe that’s part of the reason why I’m so tired after social interactions.

Three

I finally deleted her number because I don’t think I’ll hear from her again. The last voicemail I left went unresponded to or even acknowledged. I won’t make the same mistake again. If I don’t have her number, I won’t feel the need to reach out. I wanted to know what I did to deserve a complete ghosting, but I’ve been told I shouldn’t. I didn’t deserve that, no one does. The same day I deleted her number, I also deleted the dating apps. Before doing so, I made sure to let the few women I’d been conversing with that it just wasn’t the right time for me. I didn’t want to make anyone feel like I did, unsure of what they said or did to warrant an unspoken ending.

Six

I’m seeing a new therapist. She interjects more than my old ones have and though in the moment I find it annoying, I’m grateful for her comments overall. I was describing a situation that had happened, one that hadn’t involved me but was told to me. I’d allowed myself to relate a bit too much to what was happening as opposed to simply listening. She asked me, “What does this have to do with you though?”

When I told her why I’d felt as strongly as I had, she responded, “Do you think this has anything to do with what happened to you?” It was at that moment that I realized I wasn’t staying in my lane. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with having a reaction, but there was no need to make it about me in the way I internally had. My therapist didn’t tell me I needed to worry about myself or criticize my feelings, but she did give me a reason to pause and further dissect why I cared about something in a way I had no reason to. Grateful for therapy.

Two Point One

When my mind goes back there, I replay the silence most. It’s interesting how much can be said without any words being spoken. Bodies close and hands moving slow over arms, legs and necks. It wasn’t until I saw pink and purple in the sky that I asked her what was on her mind. I’m glad I did, but wish I’d asked one question prior to spending so much time silently intertwined. It can’t be undone, but I’m glad it happened. Selfishly, terribly, hypocritcally glad.