I think kids are easier to manage when you don’t feed them. Their bodies become weakened, and then the minds follow.

You can’t run when you haven’t eaten. Crying seems to be a lot harder too. Existing becomes painful, so I learned to turn on autopilot and coast through the trauma.

Years have passed but my relationship to food and hunger and control stayed right beneath the temples on my forehead. This weapon is always waiting to be used against myself.

It’s easy to say I haven’t eaten because I have no money. It’s even easier to say I’ve skipped meals because leaving my bed feels like the biggest accomplishment there is some days. I don’t have energy to give myself more energy and I think I like it that way.

I like being small. I like being manageable. So often I feel like a star reaching supernova - forever ready to implode. Since space is silent, can anyone hear this cosmic event? Doubtful.

With no one to hear my cries, I stop. I mute myself. Withdraw. I need to be more manageable.

I need to eat, I feel so weak.